1. Rollerblade behind the "Dykes on bikes" with a sign that says "straight on skates."
2. Flirt with the Jesus guy with the "Turn Away Sinners!" sign.
3. Collect as many condoms as you can from the safe-sex people "because I'm SURE gonna need 'em!" and keep asking them, "Do you have any condoms for straight people?"
4. Get a shirt with a big, blue square on it that says "Straight Pride".
5. Go off on awkward rambling speaches if anyone talks to you about the parade: "yeah, I mean, I support gay rights. You know, from AFAR, from way, WAY back. I mean, it's cool what they do. It's not what I do, but it's, um, nice that SOMEONE dates the lesbians, you know, cuz I won't and I wouldn't want them to be alone. Not that I could do anything about that, you know, cuz I don't want to do them, but I'm glad OTHER people do. I mean, I wouldn't have a problem if a girl wanted to marry my sister. Not that I'd want to. Not that I'd marry her anyway! Or my brother, even. Even though he's a guy and I like guys. You know?"
6. Turn to people and say, "if I could give you some of my rights, I would."
7. Ask people to call you "Hetty" or announce yourself as, "sexual. Heterosexual."
8. Have sex with guys.
9. Read "Playgirl" and get visibly turned on. (Yes, I know that's harder if you're a girl.)
10. If someone suggests you're gay, (ie asks you to march in the parade, hands you an "equal rights" sign, or if any girl looks at or talks to you) say "look, I'm so straight, I'm not even ON the continuum. If I were, I'd be a negative number. It's like, there's the continuum, and there's me, next to it having heterosexual sex. Yeah, so if the continuum's a rockin', don't come a-knockin'."
11. Carefully walk the line between being mistaken for a Femme or a Butch by wearing pink pants with a sock stuffed in the crotch.
And best of all,
12. Keep rolling your eyes and saying, "this is SO gay."
posted by Lazyqueer @ 4:57 PM
