Ah, April Fool's Day at Swat: on the CS web page, Charles, the Department Head, is wearing a "pimp hat" (the technical name), and two guys I don't know are weaving a semi-complicated web of colored thread on the Parrish stairway. And I am off to the library to get a book I nead so I can start the homework due tomorrow.

^
|
|______________ Ignore the above date, this was written on Thursday afternoon. But the network was down and I just got around to posting it. Hopefully, I will have time tonight to post about Sager and the Seder itself. I have much news. Well, some. Okay, I'm going to make stuff up. But it'll still rock.

...............

I'm sad. And stressed. I know that's a simple and downer beginning, but I don't really feel up to a good one. I just got an e-mail about my major and it seems that, even if I get an "A" in CS22 (which would not be easy), I'd still have to retake CS21 or CS35, which is a HELL of a lot of work on top of other CS classes. I'm not sure what to do, besides that I'm wracked with guilt and self-disgust for being such a slacker and not just working enough to do well. I could just be an English major (well known as the "cop out major", though I actually don't see it that way with other people, only myself. Probably because I'd be coping out if I chose it). But if I DID become an English major, I could take whatever CS classes I wanted and not worry about my grades, which would be cool. But if I don't major in CS, I have almost no chance of ever getting a summer internship in it, and I wonder about a job after college. Besides that I'd be giving up and admitting I couldn't handle the major I actually want.

I don't know how much work I'm willing to do to be a CS major. But I also don't know if I'm willing to go to a Sys Admin meeting and tell them, "nope, couldn't be a CS major". I can't believe how much this embarrasses me. It just makes me feel like such a failure. Like I'm at this awesome school and what do I do? I waste my education and can't even get into my major. I swear, I peaked in high school. And it's all my own damn fault. So, why, you ask, am I writing about it online? Because I kind of want to talk about it, but can't deal with saying it to people's faces. I feel like they won't know what to say and will be thinking, "sucks for her. She really screwed up." So that's that. I have to go talk to Charles. But this upsets me and embarrasses me so much I don't want to talk about or deal with it. Which is such a vintage me way to handle crisis. I will go talk to him, though. Sigh.

So that's one front. The other is my Grandmother, who I am supposed to be visiting as I type here now, but I want to see "Cabaret" tonight, so I think I'll take the train into Larchemont tommorow. THEN I want to go to Sager and have to program all of Sunday, so I'm thinking of riding back Saturday night. I AM technically going in for our family's Seder, so you'd think it'd be okay if I just came in for that. But she's paying and it's kind of expensive and SHE wanted me to come in LAST NIGHT or this MORNING (my Grandmother doesn't understand the concept of "Friday classes", neither do I apparently, looking at my GPA) and will FREAK when I tell her. So I haven't called HER. Right. We are beggining to see how I deal with things. By a strict program of denial interspersed with procrastination. Brilliant. So I have to call her.

And Stef's parents are here, which is by FAR the best part. And I'm not being sarcastic at all (although being on Swat campus adds a certain amount of requisite irony to everything I write, but that's unaviodable), nor do I mean it's good just relative to everything else going on. Her parents are AWESOME. Her Dad is hilarious in a very sarcastic, wisecracking way and her Mom tells these really funny stories. They're kind of like the perfect comedy team. Most of the Lodge and I went with them to this good Vegan place (a non-oxy-moron apparently) for lunch and they told all these stories about getting pulled over that had us all rolling on the floor. I have, as of today, taken up clapping when I laugh. This needs to stop. I really want them to like me, even though they don't know we're dating. I was surprised how much I felt like I needed to talk with them and get along with them. They're here for a week, so we're watching it, but it's pretty easy to act like we're not a couple, I've had much more practice at that. It's acting like a couple I'm still getting used to. There was relatively little issues, really none at all. Stef told this story about how somebody had asked "what the statue outside of Sharples was" and she said "Sappho" and he thought she said "Sambo" and one of her parents asked who "Sappho" was and Felicia said, "I think she was a poet" and Stefanie's Mom thought the person had asked what the "staple of Swat" was (so many jokes about how the answer was still "Sappho", kept mouth shut) and thought it had to do with food then it got into something about "eating" and I was like, "Oh God." Then we were talking about wedding and Stef did the skip "hus - hus - fiance", which was cute, and we kind of smiled at each other. It's wierd, I feel like this somehow made me appreciate dating her more. Because the way we act with each other isn't as taken for granted. I am too deep for my own good. I don't know. Anyway, that's that.

So I'm going to "Capitalize on my misfortune" (as Brigid said) and call my Grandmother in tears and tell her I didn't get into my major and I have to work a lot and can only come Saturday. I'm so awesome. I'm supposed to have called Raima at 2 pm about my English paper. God, I am such a mess.

On a side note, Teddy's brother Brigid (her family is visiting) came with me to my Feminist Theatre class, which was just so cool. How many high school guys would come to an all-female Feminist Theatre class (there aren't even any SWAT guys) just for FUN? He doesn't even want to GO here. I was really impressed, and he actually found it interesting and talked to Raima for a little afterwards about "Fire in the Mirrors" (which we're reading later).

Posting. God, the less you post, the harder it is.


I am amazed by how little first-hand experience I have had with homophobia, especially with homophobia directed at me. I don't think I'd know how to react to it. Today Stef and I went into the Ville for what is technically our first date since we began dating and she bought me flowers (Yes. We are so cute. So very, very cute) and gave them to me, but then had to take them back to take off the price tag, and this guy said to her, "So, you bought some flowers for yourself?" and (since she had also gotten flowers to bring with her to a Seder at Sorelle's) she said, "no, these are for a friend" (or something to that extent). But it was kind of ... tense? Not scary, I don't like to be dramatic. It made me nervous though. I couldn't tell if he understood they were for me (it seemed pretty obvious in my view) and was being an ass, or was just oblivious. I can deal with being queer in public, just not with being confronted.* Anyway, I'm probably overreacting, which has to do with my priviliged (read: tolerant) background. But it was just different being off Swat campus, even in the Ville. I felt much more self-conscious of how much we looked like a couple. Not like I didn't want us to, just more conscious of it. Okay, now I KNOW I'm overreacting and being too analytical.


Hmmmmmmm, I have done basically no work besides CS this week and I am beginning to realize I have an Ed paper and English paper due next week and I need to get cracking. I'm not sure when the Ed paper is exactly due. Any Ed 14 people in Diane's class who do, feel free to post and tell me.


So I went to the Queer Youth conference last weekend and instead of being deep and Swattish, I am going to talk about how people looked. Because I am a non-conformist. I was amazed at the range of attractiveness at the conference. In other words, there were people who I found attractive in very gender-bending/alternative/unusual ways, and that was really cool. I wonder how many of those people I would have found attractive, or as attractive, had I not been at the conference and in a context of not thinking of gender so strictly. I worry sometimes that my attractions are too binary-attached, I like femmey guys and USUALLY femmey girls (though that's more majority), but its still seems to revolve around people identified with the gender they were born with/ are biologically. I felt like I started to step away from that at the conference, though maybe there was just an abundance of attractive people there (this is quite possible). There was someone who was transgendered (FTM) who I don't think I would have considered attractive previously. However, I couldn't get past that he was too masculine for my tastes. I feel like I like masculinity more in FTM's then in born-males. That's probably an indication of my inability to accept transgendered people as the gender they are presenting. I think being around so many people who (appeared to be) interpretting gender, I could step farther out of the need to classify people as strictly "attractive-female" and "attractive-male" and start to look at beauty beyond binary. Brian and I met this really hot MTF (male to female) who was male at the time, very feminine-looking, and he would have been a REALLY hot female. It was really cool to me to see that I could be attracted to someone in both genders (and someone who was biologically male though presenting as female). I really feel like a jerk for thinking it's at all impressive to be attracted to trans-gendered/sexual and gender-bending people. I really don't think I came out enlightened, but I hope I'm a little less binary-strict now in my attractions, or at least more conscious. I wonder, can you work to change attraction, to try to be less adherent to male-female divisions? Is that something you can control without being untrue to your attractions? When are you accepting attractions that you would reject as "abnormal" and when are you forcing attractions on yourself you don't actually feel? I am being so Swattie, intellectuallizing what was basically me gawking at a whole bunch of hot queer (and queer-allied) people. But hey, that's how I know I'm not an admissions mistake.


Alright, off to Tarble!



*This entire story is lifted almost word-for-word from an e-mail to Ester because I am lazy. I just got an SCCS account. Okay, I got the account a month ago, I finally set my password last night and found out Ester had e-mailed me in February! So I hopped to and e-mailed her back. I feel very sketchy pasting from the e-mail, especially since she reads this journal, but I HATE retyping things.

Story:

I wanted to tell Brigid something but wasn't sure when she'd get in, so I decide to call and leave her a message. I pick up the phone and say, "Brigid Brette-Esborn". Then her phone rings and I think "Oh! Maybe that's Brig (trying to reach us by calling her own phone)!" and I'm like, "Ali! Get that!" So Ali (who knew I was calling Brig) runs and kind of slides on the carpet (in a very cool way) over to the phone and picks it up. Meanwhile, I have kind of put the phone down on the bed while I wait to see who it is.

Ali: Hello? Hello? ... No one's talking.

Me: (Look very confused. Then, slowly ... I pick up the phone and laugh into it.)

(Ali hears laughing in her phone and looks and me and says some exclamation I can't remember).

How great are we?

Wierd: Watching a play with a female-female homo-erotic scene with your father.*

Good: Not being out to him.

So I was glad he didn't know, because I have a feeling that would have been too wierd. I refuse to change my "ask, tell" policy though. We'll see what happens when it's put to the test. "The Allergist's Wife" was okay. Kind of Seinfeldian, which I don't really like. And at the end the main character seems to stand up for the "rights of the upper-middle-class whiny family", which was kind of wierd. Anyway, we went to my great Uncle Irving's 80th birthday party about 2 hours late after the play. We got there just in time to eat and got seated at the kiddy table. Our contributions to the evening:

- I made a cyramic plate fall on the floor and shatter.

- Dad stole a bowl of half-eaten ice cream from a boy (who was 10 at MOST) who had left his place at the table, insisting "he was obviously already finished if he left". Then, when the boy came back, he tried to give the plate to ME, and, when I tried to give it back to him, insisted VERY seriously and VERY bright red that we keep it in the middle of the table between us then proceeded to put a napkin on top of the bowl, which of course made it very inconspicuous.

Back at home, we played Scrabble and called it quits because the board was so closed. I can't tell if he lets me off with words that he doesn't necessarily think are words because I'm his daughter or not. But I can't stop myself from letting him do it. I'd rather win. I was winning up until we gave up.

Not much else. Taking the train back tomorrow. Am REALLY excited to hang out on campus. Tomorrow I will spend some time with Dad at work, which is pretty tiring cuz he's always going places. But I've enjoyed being here for the most part. It's been pretty nice, minimally stressful. Dad and I can almost "hang out". Still a while to go, though. But it's getting there.



* The play had a female-female homoerotic scene and I watched the play with my father. The play did not have a female-female homo-erotic scene that involved my father. Although it did involve a male character. A fictional character.

I think I must have some kind of destructive wish, visiting my site from my Dad's computer. But I wanted to see if there were any new comments and it's just comforting to check it. That's kind of sad, I guess. Anyway, I was 1.5 hours late for my cousin's Bar Mitzvah RECEPTION (never mind the service). Basically, I got there, Dad said, "we're leaving in 15 minutes. I'm going to get the car" (we both hate gatherings, ESPECIALLY family ones. Nice to have that in common), and I did some half-assed mingling where I made pathetic and futile attempts to pretend I knew who people were, then basically gave up and ate. I should've gotten there earlier. There was an open bar, maybe I could have finally had a good mixed drink. Not sure if it's a good idea to even risk getting sloshed in front of my family. But I could have gotten a shirley temple.


Anyway, it looks like it won't be 2 birds of relativity with one visiting stone, my Dad kinda wants to see me the entire time and I don't want to ask about trying to see my grandmother. She wants to come up and visit. I'll have to just block out a Saturday for her. But it's actually pretty good to be here. It's like this whole other part of my life and my family I forget I have. Like my half-brother Alex, who plays drums (quite well actually) is taller than me and has this brand-spanking-new deep voice now that he's thirteen. And Dad and I are getting along quite well. He's even letting me make decisions, which is a new development. I basically got to pick the play we're seeing tomorrow. "The Allergist's Wife", which I really want to see. It's a little racy, but he's cool with it, so I am. He's so funny. He's just kind of a cynic ... but not in the way you'd think ... just not "nice". I can't describe it. Like he's kindof tired of everything, but has a sense of humor about it. My descriptions of people are so bad.


But it's good to be here. Relatively. It's managable. I have run of the house while he goes and drops Alex at a brithday party in New Jersey. I always need alone time when I've spent a lot of time with people, but especially when I'm here. It's stressful. I just have to watch myself and what I'm saying alot. Alex said something about this girl who dressed like a boy at his school and I kind of talked about how cool that was and how I knew people like that and how impressive it was that she could do that so early. It didn't really catch me off-guard or anything. I wonder if it should have. Probably. I wonder if it would have been different if he were talking about her being gay. If it would have hit me harder. I don't think so. He said it so unofficiously, like he kind of thought it was an interesting topic of conversation, like, "isn't that wierd?", but not really negatively. THough there is a subtle negativity of course.


Anyway, made me think about my policy of "being truthful". It's a kind of convenient one in heterocentric company, since the answer to "are you dating any boys?" (asked by Alex) can be answered with a no. No one has asked about dating. I think Grandma will be first. We'll see how THAT goes.


I had this talk with Brig on the way back from Ohio about keeping your sexuality from people and how I don't think it's that hard to watch yourself. I just don't think about how I always check to see who I'm talking to before I talk about a girl. I just always watch myself. It's second nature. Mom says everyone does that to an extent. I think that's true. For example, you can't talk about certain fantasies in most company and others in any. And no, I am not thinking of any particular fantasies of mine. Though I have this ongoing debate, primarily with Stef, about how I think it's okay for adults to fantasize with children. Recently we drew a line between "think about" and "consider' (fantasy being in the "think about" catagory). So now we may agree to an extent on it. I'm not sure. I have this big thing about how you shouldn't have to control or police your thoughts. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about what they mean, but I don't think "bad" thoughts make you a "bad" person and I don't think there are thoughts that are wrong (hence "bad" being in quotes). Thoughts are like dreams, they're just places your mind is traveling (this is deep here, try to keep up). You can't control your mind and you shouldn't. Action is very different. But I have always let my thoughts have free reign. Sometimes I actually have to remind myself that no one can hear my thoughts. I have this whole mantra that has been honed through time: "People can't read your thoughts. And if someone COULD, he/she would read everyone's and would have perspective and would not be shocked or upset by yours." Yes, I actually think this. God, this was kind of a self-righteous, pseudo-profound tangent. And on break, too. I guess old habits die hard.


A small tangent about people who talk to you on transportive vehicles (planes, trains, buses). I do NOT understand how, if you take out a book and start reading, that is not a clear enough sign that you don't want to talk. I spent my ride from Trenton to New York talking to this 24-year-old optomotrist-hopeful, who gave some good contacts and glasses advice, but I just wanted to read my damn play. Sigh. I just don't like people in general. I like some people, but my default is not "like", it's neutrality and, if they keep trying to talk to me, possibly "dislike". Ah, anti-social tendencies. Combined with a need to make people like me and to get along with people. A sabotaging combination if there ever was one.


Well, this has gotten long. I get loqacious (I don't know how to spell that) when I visit NY because I feel so verbally constricted here. I must now go erase this and my page from the History so they cannot be reached. I like to live on the edge (flips up collar and winks).

No excuses. No apologies. I have a ten-page paper to revise and I'm writing in my blog. God, I haven't done a "real" entry in so long there is much too much to cover, so I won't really try. Yesterday was good. A testement to the little and unexpected things making your day better. I woke up stressed and depressed without any particular reason (which is strange, usually I have at least a focus), and a schedule that booked me from 11:30 to 4:00. A lot in my world. Not in the Swat Galaxy. Oooh, good analogy, try not to be impressed. But then my Feminist Theatre class was awesome and interesting (we're reading "Fefu and Her Friends." It's very cool) Then I went to Tarble to get lunch to bring to the Sys Admin meeting and they have this AWESOME salad during the faculty lunch time that has pepper and carrot and brocolli and different kinds of lettuce in it and it was really good. Why don't WE get that when we can use meals? Sigh. Then I had Ed 14 and the reading hadn't been easily available, so we weren't expected to have done it (it was about morality. As a complete moral relatavist, I find the teaching of morality VERY interesting and frustrating. So much focus on "good and bad" as these absolutes. As if they had there own objective values!! MORALITY IS HUMAN-MADE!! There is only what YOU think is "good and bad"!! AHHHHHHH!!

SLAP

Sorry sorry. Bonus points for anyone who knows where the "SLAP" thing comes from.). But I HAD done the reading(well, some of it). And we were in small groups so I got to discuss alot.

Then I had dinner with my LHS Outreach group, who I love, though I fear we are becoming stagnant. I like just hanging out with them, but I don't want us to end up another inactive club with high ideals (I mean the first club of that kind. I wouldn't want to start a trend). I don't even have high ideals, so that would never work. I'm going to do work over break to get us up and running. "She's got hiii-iiigh hopes!". Then Sorelle and I got our CS HW done in like 30 minutes and just hung out and talked. Then I gave up "The Big Lebowsky" to hang out with Stef. That, my friend, is love. And I saw it like 2 weeks ago. But also love. We are at one month as of Tuesday, which Stef remembered and I convinced her was wrong, then figured out today and e-mailed her without mentioning my mistake. Oh, maturity.

Ugh. So Brig and I got back from Ohio Tuesday at 12:00 (in time for my 12:30 tour), and then I got to the Admissions office at what was 12:30 by MY watch (granted we're supposed to get there a little earlier than that, but it's never been a problem) and the tour was leaving. Dammit! So I counted as a no-show. I hope that's just my second strike. They've got the oh-so-popular-in-our-criminal-and baseball-system "3 strikes your out" policy. Sigh. I'll volunteer to give tours over break. Hopefully I won't have to give the one at 12:30 today, since I gave it last week.

Quick explanation of the Ohio thing. I went iwth Brig to see a professional reading of this play her brother Teddy wrote "The Blue Cranberry Hour", which was very good. It didn't get perfectly resolved, which I liked. On the way back, we spilled coffee on her hat twice (she wasn't wearing it). In exactly the same way. I didn't hold it and had it balanced on the pseudo-cup-holder (a circular indentation between the 2 front seats) and it spilled the first time. Then I did it again. Brig was really nice about it, especially since that was my entire job (hers was to drive 7 hours each way). But her family rocks. I love them.

I have taken to hocking loogies. Which I previously thought was VERY gross and STILL think it's gross if other people do it for fun. But I have been pretty sick and it's the most efficient way to get phlegm out of my throat. It's hard, though. And I'm not dedicated enough to practice and get good. But I always enjoy doing VERY unfeminine things once in a while. And randomly capitalizing. So far, the words capitalized have been: AWESOME WE VERY HAD VERY STILL VERY. For all you purists, LHS doens't count because it's an acronymn.

OH!!!!! NOTICE THE TWO NEW LINKS!!!!

<----------------- Sarah C (who is new to the blog scene)

<----------------- Hollis Easter (who is new to my blog scene, though his isn't actually a Blog. Excuse the unavoidable reference to his last name)

And that, as they say, is that. Feels good to be backed to the more self-centered entries. More true to myself. Now I'm going to see if "The Big Lebowsky" is anywhere around here...

These were written last year. I know, I need to actually post. But it'll probably be break before I do.


My roommate pulls out her eyelashes, which I guess is cool if you like wishes and can get to her before she uses them to make those tiny brooms. WHAT is she going to clean with those? Her keyboard? But I guess it would be better than her juice-making business. I don't even think that was legal. Especially the money-laundering part. Our door keeps opening and shutting and they say it's the wind. I wonder what relative I inherited that from? Probably Uncle Kyle, cuz he was Lord of Weather and he always liked me. Today I was running towards Daniella and I don't have shoelaces because Ali uses them to make these little mops and my shoe got stuck in the mud and I kept running and had to hop on my one good shoe with a muddy sock and take it off and put it in my pocket. And my other hand was waving a peace sign. Ali says I'm the crazy typing rocking girl and I wonder if that means I rock like "yes! Yes! Yes! This rocks!" which my grandfather yells whenever he gets on his favorite chair and that's why we don't invite him to reunions anymore. I think "Modest Mouse" is so humble because they will never be half as cool as Mighty Mouse and he probably saw them and made fun of them and they felt bad and now they have low self-esteem and a perchant for alliteration. Penchant, excuse me. Here at Swat we are grammatically and politically correct, even if no one in my CS class makes eye contact with the professor when he asks us how to define a function. And he doesn't think the "fun in function" joke is funny anymore. Maybe because it's four in the mourning and I don't take that class. But he shouldn't live so close to campus if he doesn't want to be an asset to the student body, which by the way, should never have gotten that nose ring because it's just HUGE and the piercing place is getting antsy about getting paid. Another quarter put into the capitalism machine and I don't know about you, but I'M still waiting for my soda and I'm still mad it was out of Dr. Pepper because what's the use of a drink that doesn't even have it's MD? That Coca Cola, DDS just doesn't cut the mustard and that diploma seems just a little fishy to me. Since when does Dairy Queen authorize medical practice? Ali always gives me "fun medical facts" about ethylene and methylpropanate and then demands "don't you think that's interesting? I think that's SO interesting!" I just kinda nod and hope she gets the point that she doesn't have the knowledge to be writing her own Chemistry text book. Besides, no publisher is going to accept our wall as a manuscript. Ali says this has descended into rambling that doesn't make sense and I challenge that there was no descent. necessary, Madame, and I will thank you to get off of my coat.

Interesting facts about boats:

1. They are made of metal.
2. They have tassels.
3. Sometimes, when you aren't looking, they try to pants you.
4. There are more boats in this world than people named "Mr. Boat"
5. Boat is not a homophone.
6. But wrote (and rote) is (are).
7. Sometimes boats can make you angry, but they don't mean to upset you.
8. Unless they're malicious.
9. Boats are not helpful when you're stressed out about English papers.
10. Unless your class is taught by a boat.
11. Named like "the Spirit of St. Louis and Shakespeare" or something.
12. But that's not something that happens here. That's for second tier colleges.
13. Though one professor in the English department has a hull.
14. He makes me nervous.
15. Boats can do a mean jig.
16. Mean, as in good. Not as in cruel.
17. We already went over this.
18. Boats will gossip about you.
19. They like to talk about your sex life.
20. They are in fact not boats at all.

You have been warned.

An entry done in the ten minutes before I have to go to class, when I should be revising my Feminist Theatre paper (which is 4 pages, baby! That's WITHOUT a conclusion!):

I'm feeling randomly calm at the moment, even though I don't have my paper done (need to by 5), have no idea what I'm going to do for the summer, and have no Sophomore Paper advisor in my actual major (I'm a CS major and got an advisor in the English Department. Hint, perhaps?). But I have my reading done for my next class and I WILL get my paper done and the summer is far away and the Sophomore paper isn't due til Monday. And I'm listening to Ani. And I don't think I'm going to get sick, even though Stef is. And it's Friday, tomorrow is Screw so I get to stake-out Sharples and watch the Vertigo-go show and "Hedwig and the Angry Inch". So, all in all, things are pretty good.

Oh, for those impressive people who listened to our show last Wednesday, it was a special "Sound of Sweaters" episode (The "Shadow Puppet Show" is next week). Next week you might even hear our voices, but we try not to be so mainstream.

The SCCS lounge is awesome, I want to watch "Star Wars" and "Rocky Horror Picture Show" in there (I've never seen either. I know. I know. A travesty). Next time I need to bring pillows and cushions. Then it'll be perfect.

Hmmmmmm, I think that's about it in my life. And I must away to class. Good bye, and keep watching the skies!