I'm 20. I think I'm going to take a nap.

Why is every English paper I wirte about sex? Seriously, I don't get it. But it ALWAYS ends up that way. I didn't even MEAN this one to be. 8 pages. 8 LONG pages. 2 down. Was due today at 5. Dammit. But I like my topic.

The post script: apperantly Rebecca tells a hilarious version of my inept and futile struggle to get away and how I fell TWICE and backed into a fence and ran TOWARDS her and attempted to push her away with my tiny arms (Brigid says I look like a T-Rex with my scrawny arms) and lost my glasses and pleaded for my life. I'd really like to hear it.

ASSassins.

She got me. She got me. She got me.

I got cocky and left the dorm and went to Tarble, then went BACK in to get my kill and opened the door to leave and there she was. I screamed and ran and tripped and fell on my stomach on the grass and lost my glasses, flipped onto my back and we wrestled.

Then were still for a minute and I looked at her and ernestly said, "Rebecca. Please don't." And she smiled in that sweet Rebecca way and said, "why not, Elizabeth?" I frantically searched for an answer and came up with a pathetic, "because the Death Squad will get you anyway." And she said, "I've elluded them so far."

So we wrestled more and I pushed her down and ran, slowed by the backpack on my butt. And of course, I can't run to save my life. Literally. I knew I couldn't make it back into Parrish, so I stopped and thought I could run the other way, but she stopped and I backed away and backed into a fence and fell over it and we wrestled more on the grass and she got me.

Both hands. Both cheeks.

So I stopped, said "well met", she smiled, and I told her where her target was, swore, fell back on the grass, and she went her merry way.

And so it ends. For the best, I guess. Now I'll be able to actually get work done. Or come up with a new method of procrastination. It isn't as bad as I thought being killed. Kind of a relief. And a punishment for my cockiness and folly, I suppose. Damn. Beat by Rebecca. After all the paranoia, and planning, and neurosis, I really wanted to beat her. Damn.

ASSassins. Rebecca is still alive and lurking. She wrote a scary note on my door sometime last night. Man, Death Squad, where ARE you?!?! Dammit. Well, she's not getting THIS ass. No freakin' way.

ASSassins. I'm going to have to write an Epic Saga when this is over and the information I reveal does not endanger anyone. Wow. No, I have killed two, I am not dead, though the infamous Ms. Ennen finally made two attempts on my life at the lottery. The first time, I pulled Susan onto my lap and she fought her off (this later turned out to be in violation, but only upon clarification by the illustrious Assmaster). Ms. Ennen stalked off, then came sprinting back into the room (not at all to my surprise). I screamed and ran and cursed and screamed and cursed and ran (in socks, since I had kicked off my shoes in case I had to kick her in the stomach. Yes, I am that compettetive) until finally Mara declared over the mike that this was "a safe zone". Surprisingly, my assasin listened even though Mara has no authority in that space. Then, with the help of Danny and Sarah C and Susan and Elisabeth, Alex and I ran to the safety of Danny's car and were whisked away. I wasn't sure if she'd be lurking around my room, so I had Ali help me when I needed to get out of Parish. But I do feel triumphant, beating the unbeatable. She is as compettetive as I am. I hope this doesn't cause some kind of rift. That isn't the point of the game. BUT I AM AMAZING!! I AM VICTORIOUS WHEN THERE WAS NO VICTORY IN SIGHT!! I AM THE ARC DE TRIOMPH!! I can't BELIEVE I got away from her, no one thought I could. I thought I was dead. If she'd caught me, I'm sure she would have won in a wrestling match.

This game is making me too neurotic. I wonder if I'll play it next year. I get much too obsessed and compettetive. I can barely think of anything else. I vaguely recall having work and some life beyond people's and my ass(es). And, after the attacks, I couldn't concentrate on anything and I was dazed and kind of shaking and had little to know idea what room I ended up in. I am much too affected to play. Susan did an awesome job of helping me calm down, though. She's really great. But this game is driving me insane. It's the beating of the hideous heart!!!!!!

And tommorow is another ASSassin day.

ASSassings. Killed today. So scared. So neurotic. It's like paint ball. Feinds everywhere. Can't spell "feinds".

ASSassins. Spent today with backpack tied over butt and jacket on top of that. Looked like I had a bustle. Death Squad. So scared. Must kill. Already too neurotic. Oy. And a paper, play, and CS project to do. Oh, and a Spec. This is NOT how you are supposed to spend 4/20.

Sitting in Alex's room with him and Dave Conners. First time really in PPR. It's kind of nice, actually. But not worth the walk if you have class. I'd either never leave or never go back. Many congrats for the Phoenix prize. I am SO proud. And my black shoes are in the picture on the cover! If only Pio had been as well. Not much else is up. I should be working. But posting is productive, I tell myself. So good night. Specs tomorrow, I'm not talking to them. They just get to sleep in my room.

I'm proud our room is on the cover.

I'm embarrassed that so am I.

God, I hate pictures of myself.

And yet, it's so validating ...

Phoenix Messiest Room

(I almost feel as if I, too, am rising from the ash ... or the junk)

Wow, it's so wierd to be alone in the room. Kind of disconcerting. It's usually nice to get some time alone to hang out and bop (yes, bop) to my music, but I feel a little lonely. So I thought I'd at least write in my journal.

So, I thought I was being all good and working ahead for Ed class, then it turns out the reading weeks were switched and I'm supposed to be doing the reading for next week instead. This is why I usually don't do my work. So, I think I have my living arrangement set out for the summer and next year, which is awesome, though will depend on the lottery of course. Brig and I are living with Ester, which you probably know since you probably also read her journal, and I'm surprised at how unconcerned I am about living with her considering that it was not so long ago I was quite intimidated by her. But I actually think it'll be awesome. I'm usually very cautious about who I live with and won't live with someone I haven't known for a VERY long time and know can put up with me, but I'm just not worried about this. Ester's so cool, I get like 50 cool points for knowing her, I'll be off the board if we're roommates. I'm going to miss Ali, who's living off-campus next year. It makes me really sad, actually, because I honestly wonder if we'll ever see each other and she's one of my favorite people and I feel so comfortable when I'm with her. It's wierd, I've never grown apart from someone who I wasn't kind of tired of, it's never actually been circumstantial. I don't usually miss people, but I think I'll miss Ali. Hopefully I'll break my pattern of losing contact with people and still see her. But I want to be realistic.

Hmmmmmmmm. Not sure what else. We entered the "Phoenix's Messiest Room Contest" and we're going to win. It's so validating. My life is not in vain.

I always thought that having a significant other would mean my life would be perfect. Not so much perfect as problemless, actually. Like I thought that nothing would be an issue because I'd just think "who cares? I have a girlfriend". It's so wierd to find out that I still have to worry about summer housing and summer jobs and grades and that these things still bother me. Crazy. I guess tha'ts good, though. I know it is. A relationship shouldn't be a fix-all. That's what money's for. It's like when I was little and I thought that if you were beautiful, nothing would ever bother you because if something went wrong, you could just think, "well, at least I'm beautiful." I still believe that. Oh, and just to clarify, I don't mean that it isn't awesome to be dating Stef. It is. And it has come to my attention recently that she is also good at improvisational comedy. Yes, she is just a wonder. And blond. You have to wonder how she does it. So I'm not saying I don't love dating her. It's just that it doesn't make my life into a breeze and her love, unfortunately, does not pay my bills.

I think that's it. Doesn't at all cover my life since my last entry but, hey, you knew the risks when you opened the page.

As promised, the Seder:

The Seder was the shortest, most efficient Seder in the history of the world. We had the "cut-the-crap-let's-get-to-the-meal" Haggadah and it skipped everything but the bare necessities ("so the Jews got out of Egypt, and some water parted. Okay? Next year in Jereusalem!"). And Dad skipped over everything that was too much trouble.

Dad: Okay, so we're supposed to wash our hands. ... Yeah, I can live with skipping that. ... So (flipping pages) I guess we drink another cup of wine.

Grandma: What page are we on?

Dad: Mark, read the bottom of the page.

Mark: In Hebrew?

Dad: Nah. Do the English. It's shorter.

Grandma: Jon, what page are we on?

Mark: Wow, we're gonna be done in 10 more minutes! This rocks!

The highlight of the evening was my brother asking:

Alex: Dad, what's a messiah?

Dad: He's a savior. Like Jesus.

Me: DAD!! We're Jewish!!

Dad: I was just giving an example.

But it was just hilarious. My family is so funny, only my father intentionally so. OH, but big news as well. This is right out of an e-mail. I'm so lazy.

My grandmother asked me if I had a boyfriend since I'm never in my room. Took a breath. Said, "no, but I am dating someone". She kept going and I thought "okay, that's that. She isn't going to ask or didn't hear me". Later she said, "so, you're dating a guy but he's not your boyfriend." Took many breaths. Said, "not exactly ...". More breaths. Looked up at her and said, "I'm dating a girl. It's been two months. So I have a girlfriend". She looks at me, just kind of blankly, I don't know how to describe it. But not too upset. She asked if this was "a new thing". I didn't know if she meant Stef or queer. I said it'd been two months (not TOUCHING the queer thing. Yes, I mean Stef). Then she asked if she'd met Stef, she had. I said in this rush, "she's jewish - she's keeping Kosher for Passover - she's vegan." She now talks about how "I have Jewish friends now". Stef is heretofore referred to as "my lady friend", "my friend", "she". I can't tell what she thinks, but it's better then I thought it'd be, though I couldn't imagine her getting upset. I don't know what to think of this blank surprised reaction I keep getting, I'm not really prepared for NO reaction. I can't tell what the people are thinking. But I think it went well. It's wierd, I mean, I guess there is SOME negative reaction because usually the news of dating someone is greeted with a POSITIVE reaction. But, then again, it also isn't obviously negative. But I'm glad I told her.

Today was Stef's and my anniversary. Two months. I thought it was on the seventh. I'm such an ass. I don't know how she puts up with it. I think it's because I keep telling her I'm a vegan, human-rights activist who writes the songs for Dar Williams and Ben Harper.

Housing is SUCH a bitch. I cannot deal with it anymore. And I am ruthless. RUTHLESS.

I think I may forego the Sager entry, it seems out of date now.

Well, I went to bed at 5:40 am last night, FINALLY finished programming with Sorelle. But something really cool happened last night in the Sun Lab (as if cool things aren't always happening in the Sun Lab. That place rocks!). So, Sorelle and I realized our grammar wasn't reading arithmetic expressions left-to-right (a good beginning to any story) and we were working on it on the board. So we asked Matti and Tom for help and they were looking at it and realized THEIR grammar didn't handle it correctly either. So then there were four of us working on this. Then Kam and his partner looked at what we were working on and realized THEIRS didn't work either, so then there were six of us. Then Sean and Eric come out of the Robot Lab and come to the same conclusion about theirs. So there are eight of us milling around, working on the white board in the Sun and Robot labs, looking at each other's attempts to solve it, posing ideas, making comments, for like THREE HOURS. It was wonderful. Exactly the kind of atmosphere you look for with computer science. And it was just so encouraging because I've been talking alot about the atmosphere in the department, and it was great to see how awesome it CAN be. So that was cool. We didn't really figure out how to fix it, but it didn't really matter. Then Sorelle and I finished up our code and left sometime after five. I appreciate my bed so much when I come home that late.

Ali and Brig and I are trying to figure out housing. It's so difficult. How important is having a single vs. getting the location you want vs. being near your friends? Ay yi yi. But the rest of the week will be a breeze now that CS is done. I get my CS 75 midterm back in classs today. Hopefully that'll be okay.

I still have to write about Sager and the Seder. I'll do that tonight maybe. If I don't crash.