Questions people ask

You know, people are always coming up to me and saying, "Elizabeth, how do you sleep at night knowing that you are in debt up to your ears and got almost nothing done today?" They look at me and quietly wait for my answer. Sometimes they eat one of those lollypops you get for free at the bank. Sometimes, if they have two, they offer me the lime one. They raise their eyebrows and widen their eyes. They check their voicemail. Occasionally, they repeat the question in case I missed it the first time. Then they make eye contact. "I don't shower," I reply, "so everything's consistent."

That is what I say.

Fun games to play

1. What else smells like grapes?

2. Let's mix it with sand!
,
3. How come it doesn't look like a water bottle?

4. When scissors beat rock.

5. The tallest chair. The smallest bear.

I got my loans consolidated, my wireless network set up, and a winning personality that can me through the toughest of times.

So I have started making tiny movies with Final Cut. So far, they are basically just commercials for my powerbook, but they look really cool. When I get my courage up, I will post them and you can watch them and wonder at how someone can be so fantastically intelligent and artistic at the same time. And while you are wondering, I will slip a twenty out of your wallet, cuz my job doesn't start for two weeks.

Department of Licensing (For Non-Drivers)

So, Mom and I went to the DOL today to replace my Washington State ID. Mom LOVES the DOL. She is it's biggest fan. She is a teeny bopper at a Backstreet Boy's conceert. She praises the artwork and yells, "I LOVE YOUR WEBSITE!" to the woman behind the counter who processed my paperwork. Seriously. She keeps quoting random facts like "did you know that they actually put a lot of work into reducing the wait times?" in the way that one might say, "Did you know that Justin Timberlake spends 8 hours each day combing his hair?" I had to get us out of there before she got the guy who took my picture to sign it.

Also, I am making little movies in FinalCut Express and will soon add a link to them so you can all bathe in my glory and pretend that you too are worth something.

Self-Righteous for Tax Season

So, I have spent the last two weeks dreading Thanksgiving because my whole family is coming and I was going to have to look into their successful faces and say "applying to Law School is my career. And it will take me to the skies!"

But no more.

I got offered the 10-hour-a-week tax site coordinator position in Burien in an email to everyone who was running one of the sites. I noticed no one was assigned to downtown Seattle (which is 5 minutes from me), so I emailed accepting my job and asked, "hey, if you need someone to run downtown, I could do it as well."

It turns out the downtown job is 20 hours and much more chaotic. None of the administrative stuff of uploading finished tax returns, but instead just managing the site while it's up to make sure everyone's happy and nothing goes wrong. I said, "sounds great" and they said "really?" and I said, "Don't make me beg".

So there it is. I am running two tax sites, working 30 hours a week from January 15 through December 15, and taking a 40-hour course on taxes in December as well as a few trainings. And they're giving me a $7,000 stipend.

Elizabeth does a little dance

So now I get to go to my Thanksgiving and be like, "yeah, I guess working for Microsoft is nice, but I prefer to make my money by helping people, not exploiting consumers". Then I'm going to yell, "in your face, techies!" and run away. Then come back, because there's talk of sour cherry pie.

Leave it to the Boondocks

to bring it back to the apples

Reruns

I have decided that when I don't have time to post, I will rerun old posts. Posts that have won your hearts and minds. Posts that epitomize the wit and wisdom of Lazyqueer. That make you remember what was and dream of what might be. And while you're dreaming, I will sneak into your room and take your stuff. So it begins today: the Best of Lazyqueer.

Story (also an excercise in two problem-solving techniques):

(Originally posted on 1/25/2002)

Brig had to move these books from Cornell to Parrish for "Learning for Life" so, being the concerned roommate (and kind of hoping she'd buy me a chai later), I said I'd help before the Tourguide meeting (we're hiring, by the way. I really want to be an ambassador, then you get to INTERVIEW kids. What a power trip! And a service to the school, of course). So Brig pushed this large cart of books to Parrish and I kind of skipped next to her and tried to look philanthropic.

So we get to the freight elevator and put the cart in longways, so part of the edge sticks out and we can't close the grating all the way, but we think "eh, how bad could it be?" Well, we close it and push "B", and it goes for a second, then gets stuck. AND we can't open the doors to even GET to the stuff. So we go to the basement and there is about .75 feet of space for us to reach into the elevator. This space is about 8 feet up in the air.

This is when Brig becomes McGyver (did anyone else's Mom LOVE that show?)

Brig: Okay, we need to get chairs.

Me: Let's call public safety.

(We get chairs.)

Brig: We just need to turn the cart so it's sideways.

(We, standing on the arms of the chairs on our tiptoes, attempt with the limited room and leverage available, to turn the cart, and succeed in wedgeing it against the door)

Me: I bet public safety has a key to get this open.

Brig: (thoughtfully, very Mcguyver) No, if we can rip the boxes with our bare hands and somehow get the books OUT of the elevator, the cart will be light enough for us to flip it on its side and get the elevator to move again.

Me: Why don't we just get help?

(We get a table. Meanwhile, we are walking back and forth in front of the Student Employee Office carrying various pieces of furniture and looking more and more dishevelled. Brig stands on the table and rips open each box, hands the magazines to me, and I stack them on the floor. Then we both get on the table to try to overturn the cart. It gets wedged again. We are beginning to see the physical impossibility of our task. Or at least I am. Brig is trying to make an explosive out of an apple, a toilet paper roll, and an aluminum can)

Me: Let's call public safety.

Brig: No! We can do this! We just need to get a broom to pull the top of the cart over so we can turn it.

(We get a broom and Brig attempts to first hook the top of the cart while I push the bottom, then to push the bottom back so it will overturn. Both tries are unsuccessful and meanwhile people are walking by the entrance and we are standing on a table and Brig appears to be prodding the top of the freight elevator with a broom.)

Me: Let's call public safety.

Brig: (Resigned) Fine.

(We put away chairs and table)

Brig: Wait, we never tried me climbing up into the elevator!

Me: Wanna try?

Brig: Do you think I can fit?

Me: (Shrug)

Brig: We'll need a chair on top of a table so I can get up there.

(We bring back table)

Brig: Wait, what if I get stuck?

Me: (Shrug)

(We call public safety and Brig spends an hour lurking next to the freight elevator and looking suspicious)

It's all a construction

So, I woke up at 7:45 AM today because of the construction and thought to myself, "hey, there's construction going on out there, so I don't need to be constructive. That would be redundant." So instead I just looked over all my old posts and got really nostalgic. And I found this one that epitomized Swarthmore so much I am considering allowing them to use it in their Admissions Packets. It could be one of those quotes in italics surrounded by pictures of smiling, intellectual students engaged in rigorous conversations that last well into the night.

I am sitting in McCabe in pajama pants and an Epinions shirt stained spaghetti sauce looking at the 90-dollar CS book I finally had to cave in and buy because the homework is due tomorrow and InterLibrary Loan has not come through.


It was like looking into a mirror. A mirror made of my own words that reflects the past. I think I will use it to start the Law School Essay I'm supposed to be working on right now.

If you don't have Firefox

then you are a pathetic waste of space not worth the pixels on this screen. You make me sick, you Microsoft-loving, wouldn't know the difference between a browser and a piece of paper I spat on. So get it.

Fancy Fancy

Wow, blogger has gotten a shiny new top hat and diamond shoes to boot since I first started. I feel like a princess riding in a carriage of words. Pulled by horses made out of alliteration with flowing manes of similes that go on far to long. Like rivers. Like truth.

So I got a job. But before you jump up and say, "My God, Elizabeth! I thought I was going to have to write you off as someone who looked kinda, sorta promising and turned out to be a total dud", you should know that it's only part time. My stint at ACORN as the Computer-Programmer-Turned-Data-Enterer prompted my boss to suggest me for a position as a coordinator for a free tax sight they're running. My two favorite things: money and telling people what to do. Basically, I will coordinate the volunteer CPA's and the sessions they go to twice a week to do people's taxes for free.

As a bonus, I get paid to take a class on tax preparation. That's right. Bet you wish you were me, don't you? The job actually pays pretty well, on par with low-end Kaplan tutoring. It's perfect because I both get to do something really interesting, be self-righteous because I'm helping people, and almost make enough to cover living expenses while working 8-10 hours a week.

Hopefully I'll find something else to supplement my income, but hey, if I have to spend all my time editing videos on my Awesome Powerbook with Final Cut Express then so be it. And if I do that because that's all I can afford to do now that I bought this absurdely expensive computer, then so be that as well. And if I found a tiny bag of cheetos of unknown origin in my bag the other day and ate them anyway while I watched "Saved by the Bell", then you better be there smiling and saying, "there's a working woman."

Rolling Stones

The first big thing: I wake up at 4:30 AM on Friday with incredible pain in my right side.

I felt like I'd been shot. I run around the apartment and wake Stef up abruptly yeling "I am in pain. Fix it". A hot bath doesn't help and I honestly feel like I'm going insane. Stef calls the "Consulting Nurse", who obviously assumes I am just having cramps and tells me to wait. Now Stef is on the phone with my Mom and I am rocking back and forth and answering questions by saying "I don't know yes I can't think I don't know you make it stop who cares I feel like I've been shot". Stef tries to hold me reassuringly and I punch at her.

Finally Stef calls the Nurse again and lies saying my pain has gotten worse so she'll tell me to go to the emergency room. On the way, my Mom beats BOTH Consulting Nurses and diagnoses me with kidney stones. The CAT scan confirms it, and by then I am so drugged I insist Stef and I watch "I've Got a Secret" on "O" on my room's TV. This is a show where people who cannot even be described as has-beens (read: that woman who played the step-mom in "Problem Child 2") try to guess someone's profession by asking them questions.

Stef and I get home at 10 AM with some serious pain killers and somewhat-trivial antibiotics. Every time they have asked me at the hospital to "Rate my pain from 1 to 10", I always thought, "would I know if it was 9 or 10?". It turns out I would and now I feel VERY calibrated for that question. Stef only got to upgrade from angry, crazy girlfriend to naseous, self-congratulatory girlfriend, who says things like, "wow, I have experienced one of the most painful things you can experience ... oh God, I'm going to throw up on you".

The moral: I will NEVER have children. 3 hours of that pain was enough for me.

The second big thing: There are actually three or four big things, but I will get into them later.

dayeinu

- Absentee ballots were not sent out, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Absentee ballots were mysteriously lost, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- There was a discrepancy between the exit polls and the results in counties where electronic voting machines don't have receipts, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Voters were given fake ballots, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Lines were so long in poor neighborhoods that people had to leave before they could vote, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Companies spent millions giving "suggestions" of who their employees should vote for, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Voters were misinformed about whether they needed to register, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Electronic voting machines may have been hacked, some turned off and lost votes, and some came with 200 votes on them already, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Voters with names similar to felons were cut from the rolls, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- Voters were challenged by the GOP both at the polls and by mail sent that was "not to be forwarded" to catch them if they moved, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

- The usual intimidation, misinformation, and fox news coverage raged on, but that wasn't enough to change the election.

This is a mandate for Bush. No one can deny that. This is a mandate from the GOP, large corporations, and the rich. But this was not an election.

Do not give up. Now is when we need you.

What I know for sure

- I have been up since 6 AM telling people where their polls are, connecting them with rides, and laughing hysterically about things I can't remember now.

- John Kerry is going to win.

- Pushing refresh on cnn.com doesn't actually do anything.

- John Kerry is going to win.

- NPR likes to present Kerry winning the NE and Bush winning the middle and south as news. Nobody is fooled. Nor is anyone fooled by their "accidentally" calling Bush "Senator".

- Lots of red means nothing. It means nothing.

- I worked 60 hours this week on getting out the vote, then last night sat up with a start at 1 AM and said, "damnit! We forgot to mail our ballots!". I, and almost everyone else in the office, ended up barely voting today.

- John Kerry is going to win.

- I am going to collapse. Nothing is funny. I am too tired to be anything but self-righteous and bleary. And my face feels like its slowly melting..

John Kerry had better win.